Moviehouse popcorn

I am great at making popping corn just ask anyone who knows me. However, getting that ‘at the movies’ taste I have not been able to do. Of course, I have never tried either.

How-to’s and lessons learned today:

1. Pull the four purple potatoes(so pretty!) out of your basket on the counter just for things like onions and potatoes. 
2. Notice how the first one is a little soft and has roots growing out of it. Wonder slightly how long it has been there. 
3. Cut into kind-of small pieces – bite-size depending on how far your jaw opens I guess. 
4. Start to preheat the oven… score I remembered that one this time. Better late than never.
5. Finish cutting up the potatoes 
6. Pull out the cook sheet thingy 
7. Put oil into a bowl (larger than a cereal bowl, that will not work, and it leaves you an extra dish to wash- ask me how I know.)
8. Add pepper and whatever seasoning thing you bought at the store last week when you thought you should own some spices but didn’t know what kind, so you bought the ones that said things like Italian, Mediterranean, 21 gun salute, etc.
9. Think quickly: What’s that smell? Realize you set the oven to preheat. 
10. Move to put the now well-tossed potatoes (don’t really toss them around in the bowl like they do on the TV shows. Just saying more paper towels) and knock your freshly cracked beer on the counter, so that it spills all down the front of the cupboard and onto the floor. Didn’t need that beer anyways. Wipe up. 
11. Realize that the beer spillage saved you. Now you remembered to put the tinfoil down on the tray first. We learned that lesson with the cheese fries last week. 
12. Put potatoes on the foil-laden sheet and go back to prep the asparagus as you know that the oven is still heating up.
13. Cut them and mix with lime (i have not a lemon and lime is better with tequila) salt and lemon pepper to make up for the lime. 
14. Hear the preheat alarm go off and have a sudden realization that potatoes might take longer to cook than the asparagus. Save! 
15. Put the tray in the oven. 
16. Back up quickly wondering what that big shiny silver thing is. Yeah, that thing inside the oven. 
17. Grab it to pull it out (please use oven mitts) 
18. Realize that it is the popcorn leftover from last night’s dinner that you had stuffed in there to keep the dog from eating it overnight as you have a secret love of stale popcorn.
19. Start roasting potatoes. 
20. Look at the popcorn and wonder if it is still stale even though parts of it are a little singed. 

GO AHEAD – TRY IT
Stale yet crunchy somehow. Great cardboard-like taste. Perfect movie popcorn, add some fake butter salt from a shaker PRESTO! Appetizer course complete.

Oh… really? You want to know about the potatoes and asparagus…If I must.

1. Let potatoes continue to cook whilst you munch on popcorn and then remember to take them out and turn them with a spatula. Think about how great oven mitts are.
2. Remember that you forgot to salt them so fix that. However, for the love of gods, remember that salt sometimes has both; shake and pour sides to the top. 
3. Decide that your best option is trying to brush the salt to the side.
4. Make a nice pile of your potatoes and salt on either side and add asparagus to the tray 
5. Spread out your asparagus as much as you can in the remaining space, without touching salt, perhaps impossible, and wonder if 2 bunches were maybe too much. 
6. Pour the rest of the bowl juice over the asparagus and realize that what was left was, you guessed it, mostly salt. 
7. Shrug and put it back into the oven 
8. Eat more popcorn
9. Try not to check insistently as one of the people who frequently cooks for me(thanks for keeping me alive) has said how much heat leaves an oven every time you open it. I don’t actually remember how much that is but it is a lot. 
10. Realize that there is an oven light button on the stove. Mash it on and bend over to see your lovely potatoes cooking.
11. Realize after 30 seconds, that there is no window on your oven door.  I got nothing. #FML Yep, this is all true folks. 
12. When you can’t stand it anymore, open the oven door and have it fog up your glasses as you are quickly rushing in with a spatula. No burns this time SCORE
13. Flip them a little, noticing that the salt doesn’t seem to be melting… there is hope. 
14. When you think that they are done; or you are just sick of burnt popcorn, pull them out. 
15. Throw burnt popcorn away this time.
16. Plate carefully as to get as little of the salt as possible. 
17. Hesitantly get a fork and sit down with your 1/4 of remaining un-spilled beer.
18. Take a bite. take two. try to brush the salt off. Swallow your remaining beer trying to get the salt off your tongue, your teeth, your gums, and that dangly thing in the back of your throat.
19. Realize sadly that there is not enough beer for that. 
20. Wonder if you can wash cooked veggies and eat them. 
21. At this point, you know that you are seriously considering this possibility. Just go to the bathroom now because you are laughing so hard you are going to pee yourself. 
22. Well, what have I got to lose? Washing them! You go girl! 
23. Use the old popcorn bowl it is big enough. Pro tip: rinse that fucker first, popcorn has salt. 
24. Wash and strain with your fingers. 
25. Try to eat a few soggy potatoes and asparagus. Think ooo  Wet and Soggy. This is way beyond moist. 
26. Hey, you forgot to turn off the oven! Good Job!
27. Rip off that tinfoil! Cookie sheet be damned. Throw those veggies back in the oven.
28. Wait in fear and dig around for ones and change.  
29. Drink water and then peer into the oven after your glasses fog for the – who knows how many times at this point.
30. Well, that didn’t look promising. Spread them around with the spatula and put them back in.
31. Pull them out and look sadly at the great veggie massacre.  
32. Tentatively get your fork and try a few. 
33. Turn off the oven. Game over…(insert Mario dying sound here)
34. Wonder if you can make soup with them tomorrow? Are they worth putting into a container? Maybe a coffin?
35. The thought that they are somewhat edible as I am weighing my options… what was on the corner… Wendy’s, Chic – that shall not be named but yet is very delicious, a few others. Is it worth it? Am I really that hungry? Did I eat lunch? 
36. Put those things back in the oven so the dog doesn’t eat them and decide later. Grab those ten ones and four quarters. I will be back to deal with you my little potatoes and Ass-purr-grass later…   

Return home later with your chicken sandwich and be thankful that at least the dog was good and didn’t knock over and break the pan to eat the potatoes on the stove because, yes, you forgot to put them into the oven for safety. He must be tired too.

WHATTTTTT?!?!?!?! Other places have chicken sandwiches too…. and lemonade…. and cute fries without too much salt…. go away and leave me to my chicken sandwich.